A creative life in the darkest night

Lifting fog

2009-07-13T01:11:00.001-07:00

The fog lifted slowly
and through its solid mass
I saw a glimpse of self asteem
wrapped in a shinning gas

Friday was a seething pit
with anger rage and bile
it came accross as total shit
once agian me being vile.

Since Friday

2009-07-12T11:15:00.000-07:00

I haven't written since Friday, or left the house or much of anything else. Was feeling way down most of the week but Friday I bottomed out and told my father exactly what I thought of him, I am glad I did as it has been in my mind for far to many years, I will keep my feelings personal here but you can relate them to the Tsunami that hit South East Asia.

Anyhooooo...Feeling better today but still don't want to see anyone but Jax, no shopping, no movies just quiet time around the house with the dogs.

Nights are hard as she works and I get Manic at night and with nothing to do and no one to speak to, even though I don't want to speak to anyone...I don't understand it.

Off to JHB tomorrow to work and hopefully hit the high that my job can afford me. We have a hell of a lot of work t do in two days and that suits me just fine...BRING IT ON BABY!

The healthy eating is getting easier and the Meds even though increasing are helping. Driving is a whole new experience and both Jax and Spaz (my work partner) laughs at me, I don't see speed bumps and miss turnings and travel at 80 ks an hour on the highway when I think I am driving at 140. Still walking into things but this will get better in time. I take my Bipolar meds in bed because that is adios amigo...the good news is that I slept 7 hours yesterday and 8 hours today with no nightmares...let's see what next week away from home brings...probably on with the waves, the pole shift and the laughing black Sun.

Now I just seem to be blabbing....so I am going to fuck off and try to find something to occupy my racing mind instead off going blah blah blah here.

Later

I came home

2009-07-10T13:38:00.000-07:00

I came home and laid my head in Jacqui's lap...that was good enough for me.

Then she went to work...that wasn't

And I opened a bottle of wine...and then another.

The meds will be fun tonight (not), wonder if it will stop the nightmares or whether the waves will come and the earth crack and the sun turn black as night with that Electric crackling smile...God what have we done?

Love you Mom, Dad, Dan, Kez, Holls, Nick

Time for sleep now...maybe the darkness will stay away?

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah, ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

One day I will write my own words...and imprint them in blood on the page of my own soul...or did I do that already?

Shit!

Thursday 9th July 2009

2009-07-10T00:27:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I tried something different. I went to Woolworths food and decided not to go to the pub for supper and stayed in the room. Not much changed, as soon as I settled, with House, Tiger Woods, the English test match and a bottle of cheap Chardonnay (mistake). That was great for two hours and then the "voices" started again as my work assessment was for the next day. So the pacing started and the depression kicked in.
I decided to listen to some old music "Jusus of suburbia" and googled the lyrics, very interesting! That sort of brought me out of my stupor.
I had left work early as my head was spinning from making Power Point slides the whole day. 1 Module down 6 to go!
Anyways on with the story. Jax phoned and by that time I was finished and took my meds and guess what...4 hours sleep, then awake for an hour and then fell back asleep and the nightmares hit. Tidal waves, destruction of the coast line, a Black Sun on fire with electricity with a smiling face very scary shit as I have had this nightmare many times. This again woke me up after an hour, so no more sleep for me.
The assessment went very well and I got a big pat on the back from the boss! So today I am feeling a whole lot better, and I get to go home to Jax..I can't wait.
Maybe tonight I will Skype mom and dad and chat, maybe I wont, don't know yet. May go to the cheetahs game but not really comfortable in the crowd.
Well two hours to the Airport and the negative vibes. I have never mentioned that I see peoples colors, not auroras but colors, people have tastes as well but I can't really explain either. The airport is a mish -mash of everything and saps me into infinity...not looking forward to that!
Feeling that I am all over the place today, very hyper and very manic.
Oh! I went onto AllPoetry last night and left a note to all of my "family" that until I am stable from the meds that I will be absent as I want to concentrate on RL (Real Life).
I seem to have a thousand ideas today but can't formulate a plan...whats that all about?

S

8th July 2009 "Tears, beers and more nightmares

2009-07-09T04:42:00.000-07:00

Morning all,

Well last night (in fact the whole day was a bit of a downer). I watched the MJ memorial and even though I am not a fan I cried like a school girl being stood up on prom night. Work was totally non productive as the project is at the hurry up and wait stage.
Last night I thought I went for supper in my normal place and was watching the various people and groups, but this time plugged myself into my iPod so as to try to take my mind off of life. Unfortunately this didn't help too much as every song seemed to correspond with someone I was looking at so off my manic mind went again.
There was a Black dude looking so depressed, sitting on his own staring at the door turning his glass in circles and even though I couldn't hear it the imagined sound drove me insane at this time I was listening to The Who (Behind Blue Eyes) and this cracked me up and off I went into swelling eyes and total humiliation. Why is it his sadness hits me so hard? I wanted to walk over and talk to him but never had the courage.
This got me thinking of Mom, Dad and the Kids and pain and turmoil I have put them through and guess what the next song was Blue October "Hate me", so off I went into my own private hell and the headaches started again...here are the lyrics, I want to post them for Mom and Dad as this is how I have felt about the family for so very long...

I have to block out thoughts of you, so i don't loose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted this

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me and wait, yeah wait for it to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing that I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me and wait, yeah wait for it to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

And when the sad hard eyes say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I found out I can't make it go away, just make it stop
Come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How could you did this to me?"

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me and wait, yeah wait for it to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you, for you, for you, for you...

(end)

Yes I am listening to it again and yes you can imagine where the voices are taking me to...so goodbye for now.
Go to you tube and listen...please....search Blue October "Hate Me"

S

Yesterday 7th July 2009

2009-07-07T23:06:00.000-07:00

Manic night

So here is where my day went. I spent 8 hours in the office trying to work on slides for a presentation but struggled as office work drains me totally. I finished at 17h00 and went to my fav restaurant for supper, where the manic struck. I completed the second module in 20 mins instead of 8 hours. Then my mind went ballistic, thoughts flying at lightening speed.Jax (my wonderful wife, life, family, mom, dad, music, poetry, football (which was on the T.V) an old guy having a drink on his own, the group of people chatting in the corner, the MJ ceremony, work, work and more work, what day is it, what did I just order for supper (oh well it will be something I am sure) and so many more I can't remember...now the headaches started, so I decided to take a serviette and started to concentrate on the people around me. To calm the storm. Well three serviettes later and a million assumptions and perceptions I got my food (which was a curry, which I don't normally eat but anyhooo!). By the end of my two beers and my strange curry I had ascertained exactly who was in the whole pub, what they did for a living, what was their sexual persuasion, who wanted to sleep with who, who was smoking that wasn't a smoker, who was normal (whatever that is) and who wasn't. Then I looked at my watch.....only 30 mins had passed. So I left for some fresh air some Jo'burg peace (lol). Got back to my hotel room and played Tiger Woods golf, whilst watching a series of Scrubs on my other P.C and the discovery channel on the hotel T.V. Just to keep busy. I paced around and started to check myself for a rash, which might be a side affect of the drugs, then started to think about other illnesses I might have so went back to my game and T.V watching and eventually took my meds which knocked me for six. Jax phoned me and by the time we finished speaking (which was short) I was totalled and fell into a deep sleep. The sleep lasted for 4 hours (nightmares) and then the mind started it's tricks again...So as normal, I wake up today even more tired than when I went to bed (which is the normal thing).
Two weeks into my BiPolar meds and I feel physically better but mentally finished even though the high keeps me going at a mad rate. Not looking forward to the next low as the worst one lasted for two months in which I literally didn't get out of bed.
It is funny how I can remember all of this but have no idea of what day it is or where I am supposed to be, or where I parked the car, or what time I fly home on Friday (or when Friday is).
So this Blog is going to be my journal of my voyage of discovery, there will be moments of madness, poetry (mostly dark) and maybe some insights of a creative life in the darkest of nights. Sometimes I will rant (so please excuse that) sometimes I will not write at all, but I will try.
I don't feel sorry for myself and understand the illness, but sometimes (I am sure) it will sound that way.
I am looking for people who, like myself, are in a similar position to chat and interact with so please feel free to comment and discus.